Monday, February 8, 2010 @10:56 PM
Behind My Smile
My braces came off today. My orthodontic procedure is gonig to be more complicated than most of my friends' because I'm going to get an implant to replace a tooth that I've been missing since birth because of a genetic defect that caused me (and my brother John) to never grow that particular adult tooth. So my braces coming off was a pretty big deal.
My retainer was laying on my tray at lunch today when someone made the comment that it was quite small--that my mouth must be tiny! Devon looked over at me and said "holy shit, why didn't you tell me?" I just replied, "I didn't think anyone would care."
But the truth is more complicated. No, I didn't think anyone would care, but also... I wanted him to care. I wanted him to be excited for me. But I didn't tell him because I didn't think I could deal with him actually caring about me again when since October I've wanted anything but him to outwardly show emoition towards me because, even though no one really knows this, I think I'm still in love with him.
He was my best friend when we broke up, and I lost that.
And now he's going out with Cassie.
The only person that I ever loved, that ever loved me, that ever cared about me, that ever meant anything to me. My very best friend in all of the world and the person I'll never stop loving and never, ever, in a million fucking years, stop caring about.
And neither of them care about me.