Tuesday, March 30, 2010 @6:30 PM
Epitaph
Our love did once live & breathe, or so I thought. I was so happy with him, but in the end, he didn't want me. (I wasn't good enough.)
I'm still trying to convince myself that I don't need him and that I can live without him and that I can keep breathing without him. ...But I don't believe it.
You know what the really horrible thing is?
"I love you. I never even believed in love before." <-- Lie. He never loved me.
I DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE ANYMORE.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010 @6:19 PM
iPod Collection updates
I just whipped out my iPod when I got home from his house at like, I don't know, 10:30 in the morning on Saturday. I started writing, feeling my heart pulsing, remembering the way my chest constricted when he wouldn't even look at me, and barely inaudibly he said "I think we should spend some time apart." And in that instant, suddenly, all I could hear was Ocean Avenue and Only One and Vermillion and every other fucking love song I've ever cried to in my life, and I wanted him to hold me, to hug me, to kiss me, to keep me...
...but he insisted we should spend some time apart.
And for some reason, I just can't stay away from. Even after finding out that he was cheating on me, lying to me about it the entire time, getting caught up in all of his lies, and yet, for some stupid reason, I still believe that he
can change, that he
will change (for me). I love him.
I keep trying to talk to him and I keep telling him that I want him to talk to me, but he never has anything to say. Sometimes, when he looks at me, I want to believe that he did love me (that he
does love me), but I know I shouldn't.
I know I should just let this go and that I'm just setting myself up to get hurt, but I don't know what else to do. I love him. I know that he lied to me and that he cheated on me and that he used me, but for some reason I find that almost forgiveable. Maybe it's because never in a million years did I ever imagine something like this could possibly happen to me. Maybe it's because he promised me so many times that he'd never do it to me (lies. He's a compulsive liar).
I knew for six weeks. I've known since 31 January that he was doing something he shouldn't be doing, but I thought I was being paranoid and overly protective, when I should have just gone with my fear and confronted him. Maybe if I had asked him about it before it was completely obvious, he would have had second thoughts about it and just stopped it. She tried to break it off, but he wouldn't let her. That's the worst part. He had me, but I wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough, I was never enough for him. When I asked him if it was worth it... he didn't really answer me. He told me I'm more than good enough, but I don't know if I can believe him. I want to give him another chance. I wish he'd just ask for another chance.He never will.